I woke up at 8 this morning, having gone to bed at midnight. Seven and a half to eight hours is just what I need on a normal day, so this was a perfect setup for a good day. Get up, play some idle games, eat some breakfast, and then get in on streaming. Instead, I rolled over and pulled the covers tighter.
I wake up again, look at the wall, and it's 10. In a thought as clear as day I wonder if I took my drugs yesterday. I think that maybe I should get up and check. If I did, I should get up and take today's drugs and start streaming. If I didn't, I really need to get up and take today's drugs as soon as possible. So I should get up.
I wake up and look at the wall. It's noon. The dog feels me stirring and wakes up in a start, jumping off the bed and prancing back and forth. It's been over 12 hours since he's been let out, so obviously he needs to go pee. This is a good thing, as if he didn't it would mean he peed on the floor somewhere. Knowing I need to let him out finally makes me get up.
When I get to my computer I check and, as expected, I forgot to take yesterday's drugs. In retrospect my question at 10, while a good one, could never have a positive outcome. Any world in which I forgot to take my drugs is one where I'm not going to get up and check. My brain on paroxetine withdrawal is simply never going to get out of bed to check on anything. I'm too lethargic, and the dreams are too interesting, to ever expect I'll voluntarily choose to get out of bed.
So now, instead of a good day of streaming to follow up on yesterday's good day of streaming, it's midnight again and I haven't done a darned thing all day. I'm exhausted, and have been all day, and if it wasn't for being alone with the dog I probably wouldn't have gotten up at all. What was looking like a good sleep schedule is probably screwed.
I hate my brain is what I'm trying to say. Stupid brain, needing drugs. Stupid brain, forgetting to take the drugs. Stupid brain, being really stupid as a result.
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Thursday, April 14, 2016
On Deserving Success
A while ago Wil Wheaton made a blog post talking about some things he's been doing to try to be happier with his life. There's one quote that I felt particularly drawn to: "I’m not that great and I don’t deserve to feel good about myself." I can't say I've ever really thought things through in those terms, but I definitely feel like I've never really put in the effort to deserve happiness. Which is a little weird, since I'm a pretty vocal advocate of things like a minimum income provided by the government because everyone deserves a base level of happiness without being forced into slavery to the rich. But it does exist. The logic goes that I don't deserve to be successful, so I don't do what it would take to be successful, so I'm not successful, so I feel more like I don't deserve to be successful. It's a bad spiral.
I've been putting in a lot of time recently being more consistent with streaming. I've gone weeks where I averaged more than 12 hours a day streaming. I think I've only gone one 'day' without streaming at all in months, where I use 'day' loosely as a period of time where I'm awake. I've had multiple ask about donating to the stream, and plenty of people offer suggestions on how to make things higher quality.
And yet, I haven't even updated my profile on Twitch since last April. There are tons of little things I could be doing to make progress on being successful. But I haven't done them. I sometimes think about doing them, but then I just stream something instead, or play an idle clicker game.
I do actually think just streaming things has helped a lot. I used to break into a sweat just having a single viewer show up and chat, but now I can hold multiple broken conversations at once without freaking out. I've settled into a comfortable pattern, which is fine enough, but if progress is going to be made I need to actually make an effort to do so.
Even though I don't think I deserve it.
What I need to do is pretend I do deserve to be successful, and then take steps towards making it happen. So I'm going to make a list of things that I need to do. Small things, sure, but slowly chunking through a list of small things will eventually get to a good spot, without being too overwhelming at any given time. And hopefully without breaking the facade of pretending to deserve it.
{As an aside, Wil just made a 6 month progress report on the things he's working on. I created this post right after he initially made his post, which means I've wasted 6 months without putting in very much work. No surprise then that my stream really hasn't grown very much since then, huh?}
I've been putting in a lot of time recently being more consistent with streaming. I've gone weeks where I averaged more than 12 hours a day streaming. I think I've only gone one 'day' without streaming at all in months, where I use 'day' loosely as a period of time where I'm awake. I've had multiple ask about donating to the stream, and plenty of people offer suggestions on how to make things higher quality.
And yet, I haven't even updated my profile on Twitch since last April. There are tons of little things I could be doing to make progress on being successful. But I haven't done them. I sometimes think about doing them, but then I just stream something instead, or play an idle clicker game.
I do actually think just streaming things has helped a lot. I used to break into a sweat just having a single viewer show up and chat, but now I can hold multiple broken conversations at once without freaking out. I've settled into a comfortable pattern, which is fine enough, but if progress is going to be made I need to actually make an effort to do so.
Even though I don't think I deserve it.
What I need to do is pretend I do deserve to be successful, and then take steps towards making it happen. So I'm going to make a list of things that I need to do. Small things, sure, but slowly chunking through a list of small things will eventually get to a good spot, without being too overwhelming at any given time. And hopefully without breaking the facade of pretending to deserve it.
{As an aside, Wil just made a 6 month progress report on the things he's working on. I created this post right after he initially made his post, which means I've wasted 6 months without putting in very much work. No surprise then that my stream really hasn't grown very much since then, huh?}
- Set up a green screen.
- Write a more detailed 'About Me' profile.
- Buy a scissors boom for my mic.
- Sell my old Magic cards.
- File taxes.
- Get a chat bot for my stream.
- Write a better chat bot, or modify one.
- Set up a stream schedule.
- Stick to said schedule.
- Set up a streaming related email address.
- Set up a Paypal account.
- Set up donations.
- Work on developing and implementing more board gaming streams.
- Buy a better video card.
- Buy a solid state drive.
- A better 'break' screen.
- Generic layout for 4x3 games.
- Generic layout for 16x9 games.
- An offline screen.
- A better stream profile header.
- Verify Youtube account.
- Set up a time each week to make highlights/export to Youtube.
- Join a streaming team?
- Restart SNES Saturday.
- Come up with a cute/cool/catchy name for viewers/supporters.
- Configure a Discord server.
- Investigate small business loans/subsidies.
- Define rules for chat.
- Figure out what to do about chat mods.
- Decide on a hair style.
- Get hair cut/shave.
- Exercise more than not at all.
- Investigate lighting/lenses to reduce glare on my glasses on camera.
- Figure out how to mix sounds so I'm not streaming everything I hear.
- Curate a playlist of 'go fast' songs.
- And one of 'not blocked' songs.
- And one of 'non-lyrical background' songs.
- And one of just plain awesome songs.
- Make a better 'games I play' profile section.
- Hook up my SNES to my capture card.
- Possibly get a powered splitter for the SNES.
- Figure out how to make my new headphones not cause pain when they press into my glasses.
- Find something I'm willing to drink while streaming that isn't pop.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Hospital Adventure
Earlier this week I went out to my brother's place to play board games on his birthday. We were starting in on a 3 player game of Dominant Species (hoping that it wouldn't be as painfully long as the 6 player game I'd played previously) when we got some bad news about my dad's health. He needed to go to the hospital so off we went to corral him into a car and drive him over. Now, I'd just switched antidepressants because of the side effects of the first one I tried and the new one had been causing me to not have much energy and to get light headed if I stood up for too long. So while standing in the stairs at my dad's place I felt like I was going to faint. I ended up going back to my brother's couch and took a little nap/passed out.
This isn't such a strange occurrence for me. I've fainted sporadically for my whole life. Mostly when seeing my own blood or when having blood drawn or getting needles... But I know when the fainty feeling is coming on and I now know how to deal with it. In grade 2 I didn't know how to deal with it and ended up cutting my head on a rock when I collapsed but since then I've always been able to protect myself as I go down.
Anyway, by the time I was back on my feet they were off to the hospital. Not too long after that my mother came by and told me I really should go to the hospital too for support. I wasn't feeling faint anymore so I couldn't see any reason to disagree, so off we went. I showed up, talked a bit about my coat zipper being broken, and started to feel light headed again. There weren't any chairs in the emergency room but there was a stool so I tried sitting on that. It didn't help. During this time a nurse came by and told us we were really only supposed to have one visitor at a time. My brother and his fiancee wanted to go eat anyway and I figured a food court would have a bench I could collapse on so we left my sister with my dad and went to find food. Unfortunately I didn't make it...
As we were getting to the door out of the emergency room I realized I'd passed the point of no return and was definitely about to faint. So I said as much and then went to lie down on the floor. I didn't make myself clear (unsurprisingly) and Monica tried to catch me to stop me from lying down. Certainly a good idea if I was falling out of control! But since I was still somewhat in control and was just trying to get down safely it meant I ended up fighting her help. The end result was I ended up falling through the emergency room door instead of lying down nicely before it. Right beside a group of nurses/medics. Who were a little alarmed to see someone who was unnaturally pale collapse onto the floor through a door! I tried to fend them off but by that point I was pretty much out cold.
I woke up to find myself on a stretcher with a bunch of people yelling questions at me and trying to take off my clothes. DO YOU KNOW YOUR NAME? WHAT DAY IS IT? WE'RE GIVING YOUR WALLET TO YOUR SISTER! I pieced together what had happened but it didn't much matter. They weren't going to let me go without doing their best to figure out what went wrong with me.
On the one hand this is something I've always done, my doctor has never been concerned about it, and I felt like I was being a bother having them run tests on me likely wasting their time, my time, and my family's time. (Especially since they should have been focusing on my father who was actually hurt!) On the other hand maybe there was something bad about my health and one of these tests would clue me into something serious that might be dealt with by catching it now. So while I felt silly I let them do what they wanted. And they sure wanted to do a lot... Cardiogram, chest x-rays, blood tests, urine tests, more blood pressure tests than I can count, reflex tests, strength tests... Even an IV!
Annoyingly my father managed to get himself checked out and ran off in the middle of his tests. Possibly because everyone else was stretched between the two of us instead of just being with him. So not only was I not any help at all, I was probably actively detrimental by showing up. Boo!
Anyway, all my tests came back clear. The doctor said she'd normally want to keep someone who fainted overnight for observation but she couldn't actually see anything wrong with me and was willing to accept my story that I've just always been someone who faints. New medication, stressful situation, historical precedence... Whatever it was, it didn't seem like anything was actually wrong with me so she let me go. The one thing they did find that was a little out of the ordinary was that I was a little dehydrated so they pumped me full of water from an IV before letting me go. Dehydration is a typical side effect of my new drug and I hadn't been able to drink much while being poked and prodded so not much surprise there, really.
Even though nothing came up I am still happy they went through the effort. They might have caught something serious, and all it really cost me was 5 hours of my time and some extra travel/worrying for my mother. And who knows what for my father since he ran away from his own tests...
This isn't such a strange occurrence for me. I've fainted sporadically for my whole life. Mostly when seeing my own blood or when having blood drawn or getting needles... But I know when the fainty feeling is coming on and I now know how to deal with it. In grade 2 I didn't know how to deal with it and ended up cutting my head on a rock when I collapsed but since then I've always been able to protect myself as I go down.
Anyway, by the time I was back on my feet they were off to the hospital. Not too long after that my mother came by and told me I really should go to the hospital too for support. I wasn't feeling faint anymore so I couldn't see any reason to disagree, so off we went. I showed up, talked a bit about my coat zipper being broken, and started to feel light headed again. There weren't any chairs in the emergency room but there was a stool so I tried sitting on that. It didn't help. During this time a nurse came by and told us we were really only supposed to have one visitor at a time. My brother and his fiancee wanted to go eat anyway and I figured a food court would have a bench I could collapse on so we left my sister with my dad and went to find food. Unfortunately I didn't make it...
As we were getting to the door out of the emergency room I realized I'd passed the point of no return and was definitely about to faint. So I said as much and then went to lie down on the floor. I didn't make myself clear (unsurprisingly) and Monica tried to catch me to stop me from lying down. Certainly a good idea if I was falling out of control! But since I was still somewhat in control and was just trying to get down safely it meant I ended up fighting her help. The end result was I ended up falling through the emergency room door instead of lying down nicely before it. Right beside a group of nurses/medics. Who were a little alarmed to see someone who was unnaturally pale collapse onto the floor through a door! I tried to fend them off but by that point I was pretty much out cold.
I woke up to find myself on a stretcher with a bunch of people yelling questions at me and trying to take off my clothes. DO YOU KNOW YOUR NAME? WHAT DAY IS IT? WE'RE GIVING YOUR WALLET TO YOUR SISTER! I pieced together what had happened but it didn't much matter. They weren't going to let me go without doing their best to figure out what went wrong with me.
On the one hand this is something I've always done, my doctor has never been concerned about it, and I felt like I was being a bother having them run tests on me likely wasting their time, my time, and my family's time. (Especially since they should have been focusing on my father who was actually hurt!) On the other hand maybe there was something bad about my health and one of these tests would clue me into something serious that might be dealt with by catching it now. So while I felt silly I let them do what they wanted. And they sure wanted to do a lot... Cardiogram, chest x-rays, blood tests, urine tests, more blood pressure tests than I can count, reflex tests, strength tests... Even an IV!
Annoyingly my father managed to get himself checked out and ran off in the middle of his tests. Possibly because everyone else was stretched between the two of us instead of just being with him. So not only was I not any help at all, I was probably actively detrimental by showing up. Boo!
Anyway, all my tests came back clear. The doctor said she'd normally want to keep someone who fainted overnight for observation but she couldn't actually see anything wrong with me and was willing to accept my story that I've just always been someone who faints. New medication, stressful situation, historical precedence... Whatever it was, it didn't seem like anything was actually wrong with me so she let me go. The one thing they did find that was a little out of the ordinary was that I was a little dehydrated so they pumped me full of water from an IV before letting me go. Dehydration is a typical side effect of my new drug and I hadn't been able to drink much while being poked and prodded so not much surprise there, really.
Even though nothing came up I am still happy they went through the effort. They might have caught something serious, and all it really cost me was 5 hours of my time and some extra travel/worrying for my mother. And who knows what for my father since he ran away from his own tests...
Thursday, January 01, 2015
Moving Circumstances
I said a while ago that I'd post about the whys of moving out of Ontario at the end of October. New Year's seems to be a time for looking back at the previous year so I guess this is as good a time as any, right?
Anyway, back in the spring of 2013 my job mercifully came to an end. At the time I talked a bit about things I wanted to do with my unemployed time. Find a doctor, and a better place to live, and get into a mental state where I could find a new job. I made minor progress towards all three, but didn't actually accomplish any of it.
I signed up for a Health Care Connect thing that supposedly connects people who need a doctor with a doctor. Sara used it and said she got matched up in a month. I went a year and a half with no results. They kept sending me notices in the mail letting me know I was still registered for the service and they'd let me know when they found something, so it's not that I fell through some cracks or missed a phone call or something. They just couldn't/wouldn't work for me. Maybe it's because they try to work geographically and there's no place near Lawrence. Maybe it's because they use a priority queue to match people up and as a reasonably healthy single male I simply had no priority. I can't really say that I blame them, but it still sucked.
I did some searching for a new place to live and got pretty far along to getting one new place in particular. Robb and I were looking to get a place in downtownish Toronto and I found one that would work for us. I was upfront with the real estate lady that we were both currently unemployed but had plenty of money saved up to afford rent for more than the year a lease would be for. She said that wouldn't be a problem as long as we got all sorts of credit reports and bank statements and such and filled out their arcane forms. We finally got that all done and she then told us the property owner flat out refused to look at our application and would not take our calls. Because we were unemployed. You know, the very thing I'd told her about right at the start, because I didn't want to waste my time and hers if that was going to be a deal breaker. She clearly took it upon herself to make that call without talking to the owner, presumably because wasting my time isn't a big concern for her and there's no way she gets a commission by turning us away. I don't like dealing with people at the best of times and this experience really soured me even more on the whole process. Even still, I went and found a place in Waterloo and put Robb in charge of doing the application this time around. But it turned out they were out of 2 bedrooms (despite the website saying they had some). Robb ended up moving to Seattle within that year though so it's probably for the best that the whole thing went up in smoke.
And then there was the whole job thing. EI paid the bills for quite a while but eventually it ran out and I was stuck dipping into my savings. But I still didn't really want to get a job. That's not exactly true... I'd be fine with working. The real problem is with tricking someone into hiring me. I applied to a few places and even went to another city for interviews. For a job doing basically the same stuff I'd been doing for 6 years. For someone I knew from school. In a department looking to increase their headcount. This was a deck stacked about as much as it could be, and it didn't go anywhere. My resume is terrible and I wasn't really trained for my old job. I was still good at it, and I'm a really fast learner regardless, but since it was all self learned I don't know the fancy terminology for things. So I came across as a buffoon. Couple that with my limited ability to talk to strangers and my horrible resume and things don't look very good. Frankly, it was embarrassing for my friend to have vouched for someone as terrible as myself.
Don't get me wrong here... I know I would have done a great job in that role. Or in countless others. But I have no ability to convince the people who make decisions of that fact. Some people have money. And they have the ability to decide if I should have the privilege of doing things for them to 'earn' some of that money. They have decided I can't have it. Sometimes 'crazy' people make a lot of sense...
Anyway, I'm sure I could send out hundreds of resumes and job applications and do interviews and eventually get lucky enough to find someone desperate/stupid/brilliant enough to hire me. Except the stress and anxiety from one interview that I honestly thought was more of a formality than something to worry about made me physically ill for days. So while I 'could' do that in some senses, I really can't do it in others. And it turns out you need all the senses to really make it work out.
So... No job, no doctor, steadily dwindling numbers in my bank account... My plan, in so much as you can call it that, was to see how far my credit card would go to pay rent. And then become a hobo. Because what else is there to do?
A few years ago I had people over for board games on my birthday and then we went out for sushi. I have no idea how the topic came up but I remember Sky talking about how, in the right state of mind, it's super easy to go from being homeless to being reasonably well off. I remember agreeing with him at the time. I could go work at a grocery store or a car wash or something. Now, the key is the whole right state of mind thing. People who end up homeless don't rate to be in a very good state of mind I don't think, and they sure don't rate to have the ability to get better.
But then it was looking like it was going to happen to me... And I sure wasn't looking to work at a grocery store. Now, maybe that would have changed once I actually lost all my things and had to eat garbage and got really cold. But it wasn't going to happen before then. And if we're being honest, I wouldn't last long as a hobo. A 'fun' thing to joke about, but not a long term solution. So maybe trying to find any work while living on the streets would be an appealing thing. Or maybe I would just die. Only one way to find out, right?
Anyway... My mother and sister were visiting on Canada Day this year and caught wind of this 'plan'. Not really a plan, but more a series of logical steps that have an unfortunate ending. No job -> no money -> no place to live -> no reason to live. They decided to short circuit the whole thing near the start and came out to get my stuff and move me back in with my mother while I still had positive numbers at the bank instead of negative numbers.
Now, this solution felt a lot like giving up. Being independent and making 'progress' is a goal foisted on me by society and moving to Ontario was my way of working towards said goal. But really, when you look at things logically, a path that results in dying on the street is a lot more like giving up. And while I hate the idea of being a freeloader you either need to make money or take money. I can't make money. So I guess it's taking? And who knows... Maybe things would change and I'd be all happy to go make some more progress. In the short term I'd still get to play a bunch of games and that's always fun, right? Right.
So I gave notice at my apartment, and then my mother rented a Uhaul trailer and we somehow managed to move all my stuff out.
And now? After 2 months back here? Well, I've been to my childhood doctor and he put me on some antidepressants. On the plus side it turns out the reason my hands were going numb was likely anxiety since all my blood tests came back normal and going up a dosage level on the drugs made the numbness go away. On the minus side I've got some 'interesting' side effects, primarily some pretty hefty tinnitus. I can block it out by having sounds playing through headphones but going to sleep is not a good time. But it's better to have ringing in the ears than numb hands and feet!
I'm still in the same spot as far as trying to find work. I'm not employable. Progression is still on hold. Oh well, at least I'm not dead yet!
Anyway, back in the spring of 2013 my job mercifully came to an end. At the time I talked a bit about things I wanted to do with my unemployed time. Find a doctor, and a better place to live, and get into a mental state where I could find a new job. I made minor progress towards all three, but didn't actually accomplish any of it.
I signed up for a Health Care Connect thing that supposedly connects people who need a doctor with a doctor. Sara used it and said she got matched up in a month. I went a year and a half with no results. They kept sending me notices in the mail letting me know I was still registered for the service and they'd let me know when they found something, so it's not that I fell through some cracks or missed a phone call or something. They just couldn't/wouldn't work for me. Maybe it's because they try to work geographically and there's no place near Lawrence. Maybe it's because they use a priority queue to match people up and as a reasonably healthy single male I simply had no priority. I can't really say that I blame them, but it still sucked.
I did some searching for a new place to live and got pretty far along to getting one new place in particular. Robb and I were looking to get a place in downtownish Toronto and I found one that would work for us. I was upfront with the real estate lady that we were both currently unemployed but had plenty of money saved up to afford rent for more than the year a lease would be for. She said that wouldn't be a problem as long as we got all sorts of credit reports and bank statements and such and filled out their arcane forms. We finally got that all done and she then told us the property owner flat out refused to look at our application and would not take our calls. Because we were unemployed. You know, the very thing I'd told her about right at the start, because I didn't want to waste my time and hers if that was going to be a deal breaker. She clearly took it upon herself to make that call without talking to the owner, presumably because wasting my time isn't a big concern for her and there's no way she gets a commission by turning us away. I don't like dealing with people at the best of times and this experience really soured me even more on the whole process. Even still, I went and found a place in Waterloo and put Robb in charge of doing the application this time around. But it turned out they were out of 2 bedrooms (despite the website saying they had some). Robb ended up moving to Seattle within that year though so it's probably for the best that the whole thing went up in smoke.
And then there was the whole job thing. EI paid the bills for quite a while but eventually it ran out and I was stuck dipping into my savings. But I still didn't really want to get a job. That's not exactly true... I'd be fine with working. The real problem is with tricking someone into hiring me. I applied to a few places and even went to another city for interviews. For a job doing basically the same stuff I'd been doing for 6 years. For someone I knew from school. In a department looking to increase their headcount. This was a deck stacked about as much as it could be, and it didn't go anywhere. My resume is terrible and I wasn't really trained for my old job. I was still good at it, and I'm a really fast learner regardless, but since it was all self learned I don't know the fancy terminology for things. So I came across as a buffoon. Couple that with my limited ability to talk to strangers and my horrible resume and things don't look very good. Frankly, it was embarrassing for my friend to have vouched for someone as terrible as myself.
Don't get me wrong here... I know I would have done a great job in that role. Or in countless others. But I have no ability to convince the people who make decisions of that fact. Some people have money. And they have the ability to decide if I should have the privilege of doing things for them to 'earn' some of that money. They have decided I can't have it. Sometimes 'crazy' people make a lot of sense...
Anyway, I'm sure I could send out hundreds of resumes and job applications and do interviews and eventually get lucky enough to find someone desperate/stupid/brilliant enough to hire me. Except the stress and anxiety from one interview that I honestly thought was more of a formality than something to worry about made me physically ill for days. So while I 'could' do that in some senses, I really can't do it in others. And it turns out you need all the senses to really make it work out.
So... No job, no doctor, steadily dwindling numbers in my bank account... My plan, in so much as you can call it that, was to see how far my credit card would go to pay rent. And then become a hobo. Because what else is there to do?
A few years ago I had people over for board games on my birthday and then we went out for sushi. I have no idea how the topic came up but I remember Sky talking about how, in the right state of mind, it's super easy to go from being homeless to being reasonably well off. I remember agreeing with him at the time. I could go work at a grocery store or a car wash or something. Now, the key is the whole right state of mind thing. People who end up homeless don't rate to be in a very good state of mind I don't think, and they sure don't rate to have the ability to get better.
But then it was looking like it was going to happen to me... And I sure wasn't looking to work at a grocery store. Now, maybe that would have changed once I actually lost all my things and had to eat garbage and got really cold. But it wasn't going to happen before then. And if we're being honest, I wouldn't last long as a hobo. A 'fun' thing to joke about, but not a long term solution. So maybe trying to find any work while living on the streets would be an appealing thing. Or maybe I would just die. Only one way to find out, right?
Anyway... My mother and sister were visiting on Canada Day this year and caught wind of this 'plan'. Not really a plan, but more a series of logical steps that have an unfortunate ending. No job -> no money -> no place to live -> no reason to live. They decided to short circuit the whole thing near the start and came out to get my stuff and move me back in with my mother while I still had positive numbers at the bank instead of negative numbers.
Now, this solution felt a lot like giving up. Being independent and making 'progress' is a goal foisted on me by society and moving to Ontario was my way of working towards said goal. But really, when you look at things logically, a path that results in dying on the street is a lot more like giving up. And while I hate the idea of being a freeloader you either need to make money or take money. I can't make money. So I guess it's taking? And who knows... Maybe things would change and I'd be all happy to go make some more progress. In the short term I'd still get to play a bunch of games and that's always fun, right? Right.
So I gave notice at my apartment, and then my mother rented a Uhaul trailer and we somehow managed to move all my stuff out.
And now? After 2 months back here? Well, I've been to my childhood doctor and he put me on some antidepressants. On the plus side it turns out the reason my hands were going numb was likely anxiety since all my blood tests came back normal and going up a dosage level on the drugs made the numbness go away. On the minus side I've got some 'interesting' side effects, primarily some pretty hefty tinnitus. I can block it out by having sounds playing through headphones but going to sleep is not a good time. But it's better to have ringing in the ears than numb hands and feet!
I'm still in the same spot as far as trying to find work. I'm not employable. Progression is still on hold. Oh well, at least I'm not dead yet!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Moving Factors
Last week I was out playing Battlestar Galactica with Sara and Duncan (yes, I was a cylon) and Sara mentioned that there were units opening up in her building and that I should consider moving downtown into the one bedroom or finding someone and moving in to the two bedroom. I have been thinking about moving since I really don't like my current place very much, but my previous thoughts had all involved finding a cheaper place to live and this wasn't going to be the case. My knee jerk reaction was to just dismiss the option outright because of the increased cost. I've since had time to think about it more, and I hate my initial reaction. I'm unemployed so in some sense trying to reduce spending makes sense. The longer I can go before running low on money the less pressure there is to need a job. But I hate counting pennies, and I don't actually need to do it. I probably shouldn't go for a vacation to the Maldives but if spending a couple hundred extra dollars a month will make me happier then that shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. It's like I'm falling into the progression trap Sky talked a bit about the other day. I'm not working, so I'm a bad person, so I can't have nice things. But I'm not a bad person.
This week that's been thrust to the forefront as we're having a bit of a heat wave right now in Toronto. It feels like it's in the 40s and my apartment is hotter than it is outside. I have a portable air conditioner, but it's not nearly strong enough. I'm stuck sitting around drenched in sweat while I play Civ V. It's not going to kill me by any stretch of the imagination, but it isn't very comfortable. It's also not much of a surprise. This apartment does not have good temperature control. It's always too hot in the summer and the winter and too cold in the spring and fall. I should move at some point, and I've known that all along. But where? And why? Maybe the right answer is to move someplace cheaper in order to stretch my savings as long as they'll go. Maybe the right answer is to move someplace nicer so I can mentally recharge properly in order to get back into a mentally employable state faster. Maybe it's even to decide staying here is optimal. But to make that decision I need information and to critically think about it, not to just go with a gut reaction that I shouldn't spend money. So I figure it'll probably be helpful to write out what I like and don't like about my current place so I can actually assess options. And I should post it here because I have smart friends who might see things I'm missing! And because I have a quota.
First off, what do I like about my current place? The thing it most has going for it is location. It's right on top of a subway station. I initially chose this spot because it was a reasonable distance from the 3 places in Toronto I thought I was going to frequently visit: Drew's place, Sky's place, and my work. Drew moved away, Sky had a kid, and I lost my job so none of those are places I actually go to very often if at all. One thing I learned about the subway is that it gets super busy going from outside town to downtown in the morning, and super busy the other way around in the evening. This worked out fine for me since I worked way north so I was going the opposite way of traffic. My train was always reasonably sparse while the train the other way was always packed to the brim. I don't like being around large groups of people very much, but the sparse train was just fine by me. But if I got a job downtown I'd need to move downtown or arrange it so I didn't work normal hours because I would go crazy if I had to take the busy train every single day. So while my current location was great at the time, and is still reasonable for my current uses, it's not really a big plus anymore.
The other thing that's really good about my place is I live here. Staying at this location means not having to pack, or move, or pay someone to pack or move. Call it inertia, call it laziness... I don't want to actually go through the motions of moving.
The size of my current apartment is a plus, I guess. I don't use the space I have very much so in a very real sense I could move into a smaller, cheaper place just fine. The good thing about having the extra space is I can afford to have people stay over for a weekend or a full week without going crazy. But even then, it's mostly just added convenience for them. As long as I have a door on a room I would imagine I'd be fine. I lived in a house with 7 other people in University and didn't go crazy, and my room in that house was not big.
Probably the only other plus is my bathroom has a tub. There are places with only a shower and that works for some people, but it wouldn't work for me. I can't handle showering very well, and I really like being able to relax and read in the tub. This isn't so much a plus for the current place, I guess, so much as a potential huge minus for other places.
Now, what do I hate about my current place? The big one is certainly the lack of climate control. The heat comes on at some point, and I don't get to control when it comes on or how hot it gets. I have a portable air conditioner but it's not powerful enough for the size of this apartment. Having really high ceilings hurts here. I can barely reach the ceiling when I jump as I high as I can. There's no need for that! It's extra space that I need to cool off!
I don't like that the bathroom sink has two faucets. I can have hot water or cold water, but not warm water unless I'm willing to fill up the sink. I find that annoying. Minor, but annoying. I don't like that the kitchen only has one sink, not two. It makes it annoying to do a proper wash and rinse. It doesn't help that the kitchen sink has no emergency overflow drain so I need to keep emptying the sink of water if I'm going to have a rinse option.
I don't like that this part of town shuts down at night. Especially while I'm unemployed, I'd like to be able to walk to the grocery store and buy food whenever I happen to get hungry. The grocery store here closes for 7 hours and I like to be awake during those 7 hours. I like going out when it's dark. It's less chaotic. But I also want to get somewhere relevant if I go out, and that's not the case around here.
It probably goes without saying, but I need reliable high speed internet access. I have that here, and I expect I'd have it anywhere else too.
It would be nice to have in apartment laundry. I don't like having to go all the way downstairs and hope that no one else is using the coin operated machines. Not a deal breaker, but it would be nice.
One worry is that I'll end up finding a new place, signing a 1 year lease, and then finding a job in another part of town or another city entirely. By staying where I am I can relocate with only two and a half months notice. Which is actually still a really long time. Most likely even if I broke a 1 year lease after 2 months or whatever they'd find someone else within 2 months anyway so I wouldn't actually be on the line for the remaining 10 months, just the same amount as my current place.
Another worry is that I'm unemployed and therefore may not get allowed to rent a new place at all. I know when I got this place I needed a reference from my job to show I could afford to live here. Maybe having money saved up and being on EI is good enough? I guess in this case it doesn't really hurt to look around anyway. Worst case they say no. But is it a reason to not just give notice here without finding a new place first? Probably.
As far as location goes, Sara is correct that moving into her building would be awfully convenient. Other than the grocery store it is pretty much the only place I seem to go. And that's with it being 35 minutes away. Not that I mind the subway or the walk. It's just a barrier to playing a small number of games. Think of all the extra games I could play if it was a 1 minute trip, not a 35 minute one...
And dealing with this heat wave thing is a big deal. This last week has not been great and it's got to be worth at least considering paying a little extra to not have to worry about it happening again next year. Or in the winter, when my apartment also feels similar to the way it does now when it gets warm, because I can't turn the heat off.
This week that's been thrust to the forefront as we're having a bit of a heat wave right now in Toronto. It feels like it's in the 40s and my apartment is hotter than it is outside. I have a portable air conditioner, but it's not nearly strong enough. I'm stuck sitting around drenched in sweat while I play Civ V. It's not going to kill me by any stretch of the imagination, but it isn't very comfortable. It's also not much of a surprise. This apartment does not have good temperature control. It's always too hot in the summer and the winter and too cold in the spring and fall. I should move at some point, and I've known that all along. But where? And why? Maybe the right answer is to move someplace cheaper in order to stretch my savings as long as they'll go. Maybe the right answer is to move someplace nicer so I can mentally recharge properly in order to get back into a mentally employable state faster. Maybe it's even to decide staying here is optimal. But to make that decision I need information and to critically think about it, not to just go with a gut reaction that I shouldn't spend money. So I figure it'll probably be helpful to write out what I like and don't like about my current place so I can actually assess options. And I should post it here because I have smart friends who might see things I'm missing! And because I have a quota.
First off, what do I like about my current place? The thing it most has going for it is location. It's right on top of a subway station. I initially chose this spot because it was a reasonable distance from the 3 places in Toronto I thought I was going to frequently visit: Drew's place, Sky's place, and my work. Drew moved away, Sky had a kid, and I lost my job so none of those are places I actually go to very often if at all. One thing I learned about the subway is that it gets super busy going from outside town to downtown in the morning, and super busy the other way around in the evening. This worked out fine for me since I worked way north so I was going the opposite way of traffic. My train was always reasonably sparse while the train the other way was always packed to the brim. I don't like being around large groups of people very much, but the sparse train was just fine by me. But if I got a job downtown I'd need to move downtown or arrange it so I didn't work normal hours because I would go crazy if I had to take the busy train every single day. So while my current location was great at the time, and is still reasonable for my current uses, it's not really a big plus anymore.
The other thing that's really good about my place is I live here. Staying at this location means not having to pack, or move, or pay someone to pack or move. Call it inertia, call it laziness... I don't want to actually go through the motions of moving.
The size of my current apartment is a plus, I guess. I don't use the space I have very much so in a very real sense I could move into a smaller, cheaper place just fine. The good thing about having the extra space is I can afford to have people stay over for a weekend or a full week without going crazy. But even then, it's mostly just added convenience for them. As long as I have a door on a room I would imagine I'd be fine. I lived in a house with 7 other people in University and didn't go crazy, and my room in that house was not big.
Probably the only other plus is my bathroom has a tub. There are places with only a shower and that works for some people, but it wouldn't work for me. I can't handle showering very well, and I really like being able to relax and read in the tub. This isn't so much a plus for the current place, I guess, so much as a potential huge minus for other places.
Now, what do I hate about my current place? The big one is certainly the lack of climate control. The heat comes on at some point, and I don't get to control when it comes on or how hot it gets. I have a portable air conditioner but it's not powerful enough for the size of this apartment. Having really high ceilings hurts here. I can barely reach the ceiling when I jump as I high as I can. There's no need for that! It's extra space that I need to cool off!
I don't like that the bathroom sink has two faucets. I can have hot water or cold water, but not warm water unless I'm willing to fill up the sink. I find that annoying. Minor, but annoying. I don't like that the kitchen only has one sink, not two. It makes it annoying to do a proper wash and rinse. It doesn't help that the kitchen sink has no emergency overflow drain so I need to keep emptying the sink of water if I'm going to have a rinse option.
I don't like that this part of town shuts down at night. Especially while I'm unemployed, I'd like to be able to walk to the grocery store and buy food whenever I happen to get hungry. The grocery store here closes for 7 hours and I like to be awake during those 7 hours. I like going out when it's dark. It's less chaotic. But I also want to get somewhere relevant if I go out, and that's not the case around here.
It probably goes without saying, but I need reliable high speed internet access. I have that here, and I expect I'd have it anywhere else too.
It would be nice to have in apartment laundry. I don't like having to go all the way downstairs and hope that no one else is using the coin operated machines. Not a deal breaker, but it would be nice.
One worry is that I'll end up finding a new place, signing a 1 year lease, and then finding a job in another part of town or another city entirely. By staying where I am I can relocate with only two and a half months notice. Which is actually still a really long time. Most likely even if I broke a 1 year lease after 2 months or whatever they'd find someone else within 2 months anyway so I wouldn't actually be on the line for the remaining 10 months, just the same amount as my current place.
Another worry is that I'm unemployed and therefore may not get allowed to rent a new place at all. I know when I got this place I needed a reference from my job to show I could afford to live here. Maybe having money saved up and being on EI is good enough? I guess in this case it doesn't really hurt to look around anyway. Worst case they say no. But is it a reason to not just give notice here without finding a new place first? Probably.
As far as location goes, Sara is correct that moving into her building would be awfully convenient. Other than the grocery store it is pretty much the only place I seem to go. And that's with it being 35 minutes away. Not that I mind the subway or the walk. It's just a barrier to playing a small number of games. Think of all the extra games I could play if it was a 1 minute trip, not a 35 minute one...
And dealing with this heat wave thing is a big deal. This last week has not been great and it's got to be worth at least considering paying a little extra to not have to worry about it happening again next year. Or in the winter, when my apartment also feels similar to the way it does now when it gets warm, because I can't turn the heat off.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Playing Poker?
If you go all the way back to my very first post on here more than 7 years ago one of the things I mention as a goal is to use the blog as a way to track stats on playing poker to see if it was feasible for me to do it to make money. But it pretty much never comes up after that. Why? What went wrong, and do those issues persist today?
Well, it isn't that I tried and failed. I didn't lose tons of money playing poker, or anything of the sort. Really, I didn't even try at all. Looking back, I think there were two primary reasons that kept that little experiment from even getting off the ground: World of Warcraft and bankroll concerns.
World of Warcraft was a big time sink for me back in 2006. I was probably logged in 16 hours a day, though not actually playing a good chunk of that time. I would be logged in while working on a second computer, but just to run an auction house mod or chat with Byung. Beyond that I was raiding 6 nights a week, and running dungeons with my roommates, and watching them raid, and PvPing. There was so much stuff to do, and I wanted to do it all. Part of me actually misses that now... But the idea that I would be able to work, and play World of Warcraft as much as I wanted, and learn to play poker at the same time? Not enough time in a day. Something had to give, and that something wasn't going to be WoW and it couldn't be work for the second reason.
That second reason is that, frankly, I was fairly poor. I had enough money to pay rent and eat. I had internet access. I could pay a WoW subscription. Don't get me wrong, I was happy. I had enough money to do what I wanted, assuming what I wanted was to barely pay my bills and play WoW. I still had ~$20k in student loan debt floating around that needed to be dealt with. I couldn't have just quit my job to try something else for a while as doing so would have meant I couldn't eat. And probably I would have just spent that time playing WoW anyway! But even if I'd wanted to play poker for reasonable stakes I couldn't have found the money to get started.
Do those two problems persist now? Not really. I'm not playing WoW or any similar game right now. I'm playing plenty of games, but they all need smaller chunks of time. Two hours for a Blood Bowl game, 45 minutes for a League of Legends game. I could sit down and play a ton of a Final Fantasy game, but even if I did that for two or three days straight it would end in short order. Time is really not a problem. Money isn't really, either. I have no debt right now, and I have enough money saved up to pay living expenses for a while.
It certainly feels like a fine time to do some more reading and research at the very least. Experiment a bit at super low levels and see what's going on. Because when it comes right down to it, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at games, and at working out the right play in a similar situation, and at spending a lot of time doing the same thing over and over. I don't think I have the sort of tilt issues that cause the big problems. Not to say I don't flip out sometimes, but that I think I know when it happens. I just want to run away when I get into that sort of state, and that's actually a fine thing to do. You can't lose money when you're huddled in a corner!
Well, it isn't that I tried and failed. I didn't lose tons of money playing poker, or anything of the sort. Really, I didn't even try at all. Looking back, I think there were two primary reasons that kept that little experiment from even getting off the ground: World of Warcraft and bankroll concerns.
World of Warcraft was a big time sink for me back in 2006. I was probably logged in 16 hours a day, though not actually playing a good chunk of that time. I would be logged in while working on a second computer, but just to run an auction house mod or chat with Byung. Beyond that I was raiding 6 nights a week, and running dungeons with my roommates, and watching them raid, and PvPing. There was so much stuff to do, and I wanted to do it all. Part of me actually misses that now... But the idea that I would be able to work, and play World of Warcraft as much as I wanted, and learn to play poker at the same time? Not enough time in a day. Something had to give, and that something wasn't going to be WoW and it couldn't be work for the second reason.
That second reason is that, frankly, I was fairly poor. I had enough money to pay rent and eat. I had internet access. I could pay a WoW subscription. Don't get me wrong, I was happy. I had enough money to do what I wanted, assuming what I wanted was to barely pay my bills and play WoW. I still had ~$20k in student loan debt floating around that needed to be dealt with. I couldn't have just quit my job to try something else for a while as doing so would have meant I couldn't eat. And probably I would have just spent that time playing WoW anyway! But even if I'd wanted to play poker for reasonable stakes I couldn't have found the money to get started.
Do those two problems persist now? Not really. I'm not playing WoW or any similar game right now. I'm playing plenty of games, but they all need smaller chunks of time. Two hours for a Blood Bowl game, 45 minutes for a League of Legends game. I could sit down and play a ton of a Final Fantasy game, but even if I did that for two or three days straight it would end in short order. Time is really not a problem. Money isn't really, either. I have no debt right now, and I have enough money saved up to pay living expenses for a while.
It certainly feels like a fine time to do some more reading and research at the very least. Experiment a bit at super low levels and see what's going on. Because when it comes right down to it, I'd like to think I'm pretty good at games, and at working out the right play in a similar situation, and at spending a lot of time doing the same thing over and over. I don't think I have the sort of tilt issues that cause the big problems. Not to say I don't flip out sometimes, but that I think I know when it happens. I just want to run away when I get into that sort of state, and that's actually a fine thing to do. You can't lose money when you're huddled in a corner!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Trying Too Hard
I am confused. Not as badly as last night, where I was confused, overwhelmed, and stressed out, but still confused. It's the sort of feeling that has lead to my current lack of employment. At least here I was able to walk around at 2 in the morning and then take a hot bath to try to unwind instead of having to pretend everything was fine while trying to work for another 5 hours or whatever.
It all boils down to one statement. "I don't get why you're trying so hard." It confuses me. To me if something is worth doing at all, it's worth doing at full speed. I don't understand how trying hard at something became an insultable state. I don't understand berating someone who is trying. I don't understand letting up, or giving up.
Maybe it just boils down to a lack of empathy? Or of understanding empathy? I just don't understand why I should feel bad about getting ahead, or of winning, or of leveling my guys. It reminds me of the loot drama Sky went through in World of Warcraft. Lots of stuff dropped that only he could use, and it was bad that he asked for it all. In my case it was a Blood Bowl game where pretty much everything was going my way. I was up 3-0 on the scoreboard and 11-5 in players with 5 turns still to go. As far as experience earned went it was something like 17-0. I wanted more. My opponent didn't like that I wanted more. With 5 turns and 6 more guys I should likely be able to score again, or get a couple more casualties. Or get a pass. There's a good chance of hurting some more of his guys. I had 2 crucial guys 1 experience from leveling, a fresh guy who was 3 experience from leveling, and a rough match coming up in the finals with Robb's human team.
To me it made a lot of sense to pin in my opponent's 5 guys, punch them, and try to score with my fresh guy. To my opponent this decision was trying too hard, was unsporting, and was worth badgering me about. I guess he would have been happy if I stood back and let him get 5 passing experience. That would be fairer for sure. He'd suffer no more injuries, and he'd get some experience, and I'd still win the game. Does that make sense? If everyone always played that way I guess it might? But the game is called Blood Bowl. And in my experience most people don't pull up and let their opponent farm experience uncontested. I consider that to be pretty unsporting in a league sense, actually. I'd hate it if I was about to play against a team that got a bunch of unearned experience. So if my opponent had run away from the ball I don't know that I necessarily chase after him to kill his guys (and from past experience with my Dwarf team when someone had obviously given up and run away, I wouldn't have). Instead I just try to score twice to level up. But to stand back and let the opposition farm experience themselves? That just feels wrong.
In the moment I didn't really have a chance to think these things through. Getting yelled at for doing the only thing that makes sense to me shuts my brain down. I just wanted to get out of there. Part of me was strongly considering conceding myself and quitting the game entirely. Even now I'm still confused and debating if I want to join future leagues. Two of my last three games haven't been fun, and it feels like my opponents in those games didn't like playing against me the way I play. So maybe it would be for the best to just fade away and find something else to do? Something I can try hard at without feeling bad, since I don't have the ability to do something without trying.
It all boils down to one statement. "I don't get why you're trying so hard." It confuses me. To me if something is worth doing at all, it's worth doing at full speed. I don't understand how trying hard at something became an insultable state. I don't understand berating someone who is trying. I don't understand letting up, or giving up.
Maybe it just boils down to a lack of empathy? Or of understanding empathy? I just don't understand why I should feel bad about getting ahead, or of winning, or of leveling my guys. It reminds me of the loot drama Sky went through in World of Warcraft. Lots of stuff dropped that only he could use, and it was bad that he asked for it all. In my case it was a Blood Bowl game where pretty much everything was going my way. I was up 3-0 on the scoreboard and 11-5 in players with 5 turns still to go. As far as experience earned went it was something like 17-0. I wanted more. My opponent didn't like that I wanted more. With 5 turns and 6 more guys I should likely be able to score again, or get a couple more casualties. Or get a pass. There's a good chance of hurting some more of his guys. I had 2 crucial guys 1 experience from leveling, a fresh guy who was 3 experience from leveling, and a rough match coming up in the finals with Robb's human team.
To me it made a lot of sense to pin in my opponent's 5 guys, punch them, and try to score with my fresh guy. To my opponent this decision was trying too hard, was unsporting, and was worth badgering me about. I guess he would have been happy if I stood back and let him get 5 passing experience. That would be fairer for sure. He'd suffer no more injuries, and he'd get some experience, and I'd still win the game. Does that make sense? If everyone always played that way I guess it might? But the game is called Blood Bowl. And in my experience most people don't pull up and let their opponent farm experience uncontested. I consider that to be pretty unsporting in a league sense, actually. I'd hate it if I was about to play against a team that got a bunch of unearned experience. So if my opponent had run away from the ball I don't know that I necessarily chase after him to kill his guys (and from past experience with my Dwarf team when someone had obviously given up and run away, I wouldn't have). Instead I just try to score twice to level up. But to stand back and let the opposition farm experience themselves? That just feels wrong.
In the moment I didn't really have a chance to think these things through. Getting yelled at for doing the only thing that makes sense to me shuts my brain down. I just wanted to get out of there. Part of me was strongly considering conceding myself and quitting the game entirely. Even now I'm still confused and debating if I want to join future leagues. Two of my last three games haven't been fun, and it feels like my opponents in those games didn't like playing against me the way I play. So maybe it would be for the best to just fade away and find something else to do? Something I can try hard at without feeling bad, since I don't have the ability to do something without trying.
Monday, May 06, 2013
Unemployed. Woo?
Today marked my last day on the job. I'm a creature of habit and routine so no longer needing to wake up every morning to get on the subway is going to be quite a change, but hopefully my (temporary?) 'retirement' will work out for the best. I know a wide variety of people who expressed some level of interest in an update on this matter, and it'll have some impact on the blog going forward, so it seemed like a reasonable thing to post about.
First of all, I will now have even more time to play games! I have so many games I want to play and haven't had nearly enough time to play them all. I still won't, but it'll be closer!
Playing off of that, I hope to now be able to spend more time out playing games with people. I feel like I have a limit to how much time I can spend around people without getting stressed out, and work took up most/all of that limit. Not having to ride public transit for a couple hours a day and spend 8 hours in an office building should be a big help. On the flip side, I suspect I could easily turn into a hermit if left to my own devices and that's probably not a good thing either. So, more games with real people! Woo!
I feel like I have a very high level of 'sleep inertia'. I hate going to sleep, and I hate waking up. So the plan, at least to start, is to not set alarms anymore and just get up when I wake up. I expect this will screw with blog timings, but I refuse to let that get in my way. As I said, I am a creature of routine, and I need the regularity of daily blog posts. But with my 'days' going to end up in a weird spot with odd sleep schedules things may get wonky. So I've decided that if I end up getting a post for a day up at 3am 'the next day' that it's ok. I'll backdate it to 11:55 on the right day and not think twice about it. I'll get 7 posts up each week, spaced out to be pretty much one per day, and with a SNES post on Saturday.
Some people may be worried about where this will lead. As Pounder will say, I don't exactly have good life skills. I joke with my sister that I'm going to become a hobo and live in a box. But that's not actually going to happen. I should be eligible for EI, but even without it I have enough money saved up that I can live as is for quite some time. I may look into finding a cheaper place to live (no need to pay a premium to live at a subway station when I don't go anywhere) but I'm here until at least the end of July thanks to Ontario rental laws. So plenty of time to figure things out in that regard! And I have a ton of confidence that I can find a job if/when I need to. I haven't neglected myself to death yet, and I don't plan on starting now!
I hope to use this time to find a doctor and really figure out what is going on with this gluten junk. Stupid glutenses. I also plan to actually exercise since I keep reading everywhere that it makes you feel better. My initial idea is to get an exercise bike and ride it while watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I would like to start playing badminton or tennis again, but I am so abysmally out of shape that just doing something aerobic first is probably a good idea. Maybe I'll even finally get around to taking some sort of dance class? That may be too ambitious.
So... Games? Games??? Games! Send me an email or something and let's play some games!
First of all, I will now have even more time to play games! I have so many games I want to play and haven't had nearly enough time to play them all. I still won't, but it'll be closer!
Playing off of that, I hope to now be able to spend more time out playing games with people. I feel like I have a limit to how much time I can spend around people without getting stressed out, and work took up most/all of that limit. Not having to ride public transit for a couple hours a day and spend 8 hours in an office building should be a big help. On the flip side, I suspect I could easily turn into a hermit if left to my own devices and that's probably not a good thing either. So, more games with real people! Woo!
I feel like I have a very high level of 'sleep inertia'. I hate going to sleep, and I hate waking up. So the plan, at least to start, is to not set alarms anymore and just get up when I wake up. I expect this will screw with blog timings, but I refuse to let that get in my way. As I said, I am a creature of routine, and I need the regularity of daily blog posts. But with my 'days' going to end up in a weird spot with odd sleep schedules things may get wonky. So I've decided that if I end up getting a post for a day up at 3am 'the next day' that it's ok. I'll backdate it to 11:55 on the right day and not think twice about it. I'll get 7 posts up each week, spaced out to be pretty much one per day, and with a SNES post on Saturday.
Some people may be worried about where this will lead. As Pounder will say, I don't exactly have good life skills. I joke with my sister that I'm going to become a hobo and live in a box. But that's not actually going to happen. I should be eligible for EI, but even without it I have enough money saved up that I can live as is for quite some time. I may look into finding a cheaper place to live (no need to pay a premium to live at a subway station when I don't go anywhere) but I'm here until at least the end of July thanks to Ontario rental laws. So plenty of time to figure things out in that regard! And I have a ton of confidence that I can find a job if/when I need to. I haven't neglected myself to death yet, and I don't plan on starting now!
I hope to use this time to find a doctor and really figure out what is going on with this gluten junk. Stupid glutenses. I also plan to actually exercise since I keep reading everywhere that it makes you feel better. My initial idea is to get an exercise bike and ride it while watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I would like to start playing badminton or tennis again, but I am so abysmally out of shape that just doing something aerobic first is probably a good idea. Maybe I'll even finally get around to taking some sort of dance class? That may be too ambitious.
So... Games? Games??? Games! Send me an email or something and let's play some games!
Friday, February 08, 2013
Niagara Non-Gaming Stuff
Two weekends ago I spent 4 days in Niagara at a board game convention. By my best guess the gaming room was open for around 60 hours. From my tally last week I probably spent about 20 hours playing board games. That's a really low number and many other people noticed and commented on how little time I was actually spending in the room. Now, part of that is I took the time off work more as a vacation in general instead of a board game vacation so I put a priority on getting enough sleep instead of on playing games but there was more at work. I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading in the last few weeks and was taking the time to test out my natural inclinations. I have a few health conclusions that I want to post about, but it's really not game related so it'll be stuck after the jump.
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